Show Tunes

I Flipped A Coin I

I flipped a coin
Heads - I'll become a conservative businessman
Go to school get my MBA
Be a CEO or a CPA
Buy a big house with a fence around it
Make so much money I can't count it
Tails - I'll become a hopeless dreamer
Guess which won?

Television Ruined My Life

Well I've gotta have a drug deal
Gotta have a car chase
Gotta have some violence
I've gotta have a happy ending
Gotta have some hi-jinx
Non-stop nonsense
Cause my life just gets more boring
As my expectations rise
I see nothing
When I look into your eyes

Chorus
Television ruined my
Television ruined my
Television ruined my life
Repeat three times

Well I've gotta have a love boat
Gotta have a soul train
gotta have my mother, the car
Gotta have a talk show
Cooking in a wok show
Gotta have a Hollywood Star
Cause my life just seems more stupid
And there's nothing I can do
Without you
Everybody knows it's true

Chorus

And I can't change the channel
Well I hopped on stage
full of passion and rage
I was in my prime
But the hip little boys
And the hip little girls
Were bored out of their minds
They need the kind of thrills
They only get on their TV's
Just like you - They don't get no thrills from me

Chorus

Be That Way

Put me down, lie to me
Tell me this, tell me that
Go out with your stupid friends
In your country-western hat
And don't pick up the telephone
Never tell me where you are
Get a job dancing nude
In some scary biker bar

Chorus
Go ahead, be that way
Break my heart, night and day
Make me cry, that's okay
Go ahead and be that way

Yesterday I believed
Every word you said to me
Now I'm not so gullible
Now I'm only miserable
And I can hardly wait to see
The next surprise in store for me
Take your time, work it out
That's what love is all about

Chorus

Drag my name through the mud
Act just like I don't exist
Ruin me financially
Burn my house and steal my car
And don't pick up the telephone
Never ask me where I was
Always run just as wild
As my imagination does

Chorus

Me

I guess you're wondering why
I gathered you here tonight
The reason is I
Want to help you to see the light
I'll stand naked before you
Reveal my emotional wounds
Set to kick ass tunes
So that you might find the truth
The truth will set you free
Free to think about me

Everything revolves around me
I'm a genius I'm Jesus I'm a big celebrity
Me
I'm a tyrant, Svengali an asshole
Anything I want to be
Me
Nothing is important but me

My artistic credibility
Cannot be denied
I feel the requisite feelings
Of depression and suicide
So let's relive every minute
Of my horrible life so far
From reject to showbiz star
Like the stars up in the sky
That shine so beautifully
But mostly they shine upon me

Everything revolves around me
My neuroses psychoses my pharmacology
Me
I'm a tyrant, Svengali an asshole
Anything I want to be
Me
And nothing really matters but me

So love me hate me
Respect me neglect me
Desire me destroy me
I won't feel a thing

So look at me now
I'm the angriest millionaire
You can think what you want
I'll pretend you just don't care
And if you decide that you're tired
of my angst and fear
I'll be gone by this time next year
And the years will pass away
Till I'm a passing memory
You'll remember me

Cause everything revolves around me
Nothing is important but me
Nothing really matters but me
Everything revolves around me

Start All Over Again

I've done everything I can just to keep you here
Short of slitting my wrists or chopping off my ear
I won't cry if you say good bye
I'll just start all over again

Well I went to church I answered Jesus' call
They were speaking in tongues & my flesh began to crawl
I praised the Lord in the psycho ward
Then I start all over again

I'm gonna start my engine flap my wings
Get far away from all those things that bother me
You included
I might be desperate but I'm not deluded

Cause there may come a time when you want me again
You'll be sleeping somewhere with a friend of a friend
I'll just laugh and I'll take you back
And we can start all over again

You And I Are Just About To Fall In Love

Chorus
You and I are just about to fall in love
Just about to fall in love
Can you feel it?
You and I are just about to fall in love
Just about to fall in love
Do you believe it?

And if it's not the alcohol talking
If it's not our hormones screaming
If it's not just an animal urge
If neither of us is dreaming
We will fall in love

We're just about to fall in love
A close approximation of
Love

I'm just about to go and get a tattoo
Of your name above my heart
I'm just about to tell myself that you're
The one that I've been dreaming of
Right from the start

Chorus

And if it's not our shining clothing
Our scintillating conversation
If it's not just everyday lust
If it's not the medication
If it's not the heavy breathing
The moisture in forbidden places
If it's not the fear that maybe next year
We'll have moved along to other places
We will fall in love

Chorus

She Stood Up

She stood up in the middle of a crowded room
She said "I can't take this anymore
I've heard your last lie
Now I want to see you squirm
When I say good-bye."
She stood up in the middle of a crowded room
She stood up

She stood up for the first time in her life
She said "I don't have to live like this
You and I both know
That you just can't stop hitting me
In places it won't show."
She stood up for the first time in her life
She stood up

She was so afraid & every night she prayed
That she would never be so afraid again

She stood up and she turned and walked away
She said "Nothing you can say or do
Will ever change my mind
Think of all the love you've lost
The love you've left behind."
She stood up and she turned and walked away
She stood up

I Flipped A Coin II

I flipped a coin
Heads - I'll become a master of the classics
Play Mozart and Rachmaninoff
Dance just like Baryshnikov
Hold a skull in my hand and say, "Alas, poor Yorick"
Design buildings with columns
Corinthian and Doric
Tails - I'll sing goofy songs in bars
Guess which won?

Napoleon's Penis

He almost conquered half of Europe
'Til he got beat at Waterloo
And on his deathbed this is what
He told his friends to do:

"Put my body in a tomb
Like all the great ones are
Chop off my little sabre
And put it in a jar"

This impish little Emperor
Who inspired a symphony
Said, "I hope you'll name a brandy
Or a pastry after me.

And of course you'll come to Corsica
When from this life I part
Feel free to drink to me
And tear my Bonaparte."

It was Napoleon's penis, Napoleon's penis
There wasn't much between us, just Napoleon's penis
The original French tickler, c'est vrai c'est tres petit
Genitalia on display for all the world to see

So now whenever I'm in Paris
And I'm stuck in some museum
Those boring Mona Lisas, man,
I just don't want to see 'em

There's only one attraction
There's only one I've known
It's the first thing that I tell my friends
The minute I get home

Napoleon's penis, Napoleon's penis
His highness, His sereness, Napoleon's penis
I know it's gonna thrill you, no matter who you are
Napoleon's penis - it's in that little jar

Everybody In This Town Is Drunk

They're driving on the sidewalks
And pissing in gardens
They're saying "Excuse me"
And begging your pardon
Everybody in this town is drunk tonight

They're walking on tightropes
Just like in the circus
They're screaming obscenities
From cars with no purpose
Everybody in this town is drunk tonight

They're making chorus lines up and down Main Street
Swaying and staggering out of control
They're spitting and swearing and laughing at everything
Laughing at me and you

Now everyone's drinking
From bottles and cases
All different religions
And all different races
Everybody in this town is drunk tonight

They're drowning their troubles
Drowning their sorrow
They'll start up again
When they wake up tomorrow
Everybody in this town is drunk tonight

Anyone's Guess

I sit on the sofa with you and your mother
Looking at pictures of you as a kid
God, you were ugly but I sit here laughing
At every adorable thing that you did

There's one of you naked on a bearskin rug
Smiling so sweetly and cute like a bug
Your mother doesn't know that I've seen that picture
Many times before

I've met your mother - what happens now?
I've seen you naked - what happens now?
What happens next is anyone's guess

I lie on the bed in my head I'm replaying
A movie of you and me having sex
Candles are burning the soundtrack is blasting
This isn't love it's just special effects

Is there a part of the script that my ears didn't catch?
Why does it feel like my heads not attached?
Why does it seem like I've seen this movie
Many times before

I told you I love you - what happens now?
You told me you love me - what happens now?
What happens next is anyone's guess

We climb up the mountain and jump off the edge
We land on our feet and we land on our heads
Why does it seem like we've learned this lesson
Many times before

Crying For You

Everyday of my life is identical
I feel like a footnote, parenthetical
Feel like an outcast, cast out
Of the original cast of thousands

Chorus
Oh no, say it ain't so
I can't believe that I've sunk so low
Oh my, I don't know why
Can't you hear me crying for you?

All your songs are deep and meaningful
I'm shallow and meaningless
All your songs are angry and ugly
I don't hate anyone

Chorus

It's just my imagination pummeling me
Just my initiation for the land of the free
Just my obligation to wake up each day
Accept my imagination come what may

All these towns look exactly the same
Fast food and mini-marts
All these people wear workout clothes
I hope things work out

All these strip-mines and strip joints and strip malls
All these attorneys
All this hardware and software and underwear
Wearing me out

All these flannels and solar panels and all these channels
All these Christians and dental assistants and armed resistance
All these choices and unpaid invoices all these big noises

Chorus

Time Stand Still

Time stands still when you're with me
The days and nights go on so endlessly
I'll stay here forever if you want me to, I will
Whenever we're together, time stands still

I was lost 'til you came along
How sad it was, how lonely, cruel and wrong
I had an empty heart only you could fill
We'll never be apart as long as time stands still

Let everybody go rushing by
Let them worry, let them fly
Let them run, let them go
They're all fools, they don't know

That time stands still when we make love
There's nothing more to be frightened of
I'll love you forever if you want me to, I will
Whenever we're together, time stands still

Love, Hate

Love, hate
Hate to admit that I love you

Feels like I'm crawling cross the desert sands
And you are just a mirage
I poured the water on the wicked witch
Now you're the Wizard of Oz

Disappointment is my middle name
And it's a hard one to spell
If you must ask me why I feel this way
Guess you don't know me too well

'Cause I do bend over backwards for you
But you do nothing for me
Love, hate
Hate to admit that I love you

I took a bullet from your tommy gun
On St. Valentine's Day
The slings and arrows of your wicked tongue
I just brush them away

I know you love me somewhere deep inside
That somewhere's so hard to find
Maybe I'm blowing this all out of proportion
Maybe I'm out of my mind

'Cause I do bend over backwards for you
But you don't do much for me
Love, hate
Hate to admit that I love you

So that's the end of my soliloquy
I hope you're writing this down
You've never taken me too seriously
So why should you start now

I know I tend to exaggerate
I've got a flair for the dramatic it's true
But when you tell me that I've gotta wait
That's not so easy to do

'Cause I do bend over backwards for you
Won't you bend over for me?
Love, hate
Hate to admit that I love you

I Flipped A Coin III

I flipped a coin
Heads - I'll become real religious
Burn all my books except the bible
Love all my enemies and my rivals
Put my faith in Jesus' hands
Cancel all my dinner plans
Tails - I'll become a heaving heathen
Guess which won?

I'm Going To Hell

I must admit I've never spent too much time
Down on my knees a-praying
I must admit I've been trying to get by
You all know what I'm saying
Lord knows I've been a sinner for a long long time
I don't need you of all people
To remind me I'm...

I'm going to Hell
I'm going to Hell
I'm gonna jump in the lake of fire for a spell
Oh me, oh my, oh well I'm goin' to

Hello operator, give me number one
Listening to the angels sing ain't my idea of fun
Hello operator, give me number two
Keep your halo and your wings, I know what I'm gonna do

I'm going to Hell
I'm going to Hell
I'm gonna jump in the lake of fire for a spell
Oh me, oh my, oh well I'm goin' to

Hello operator, give me number three
The devil's in my underpants, he's got a hold on me
Hello operator, give me number four
Can't you see Beelzebub knocking at that door
Hello operator, give me five and thanks a lot
Hell looks just like Las Vegas and the weather's just as hot

No No No!
They won't let me into Heaven
They won't let me into Limbo
They won't let me into Purgatory
I get no kingdom, power and no glory

I can't get me no forgiveness
And no central air conditioning
Can't get me no redemption
No excuses or exemptions

Cause -
I'm going to Hell
I'm going to Hell
I wasn't sure before now I can tell
Oh me, oh my, oh well I'm goin' to

Hello operator, give me number six
I'm gonna do the breast stroke up and down the River Styx
Hello operator, give me number seven
I know they don't make babes like these up in Heaven
Hello operator, give me number eight
A hearty bowl of split pea soup, that really would be great
Hello operator give me number nine
The flames are licking at my feet but baby I feel fine

I'm going to Hell
I'm going to Hell
I hope I get accustomed to the smell
Oh me, oh my oh well I'm going to Hell

Up Too Late

I stayed up way too late last night
I'll pay for it today
I didn't do much of anything
Just tossed and turned the night away

All I did was search my soul
All I did was think
I thought about you in his arms
I couldn't sleep a wink

I had a midnight snack at 3 AM
I watched some women on a video
And thought about having sex with them

But if I had that would have been a big mistake
When I was done, I'd get depressed
And I'd still be wide awake

I stayed up way too late last night
I had so much to do
I read the Bible front to back
The dictionary too

I went through all my magazines
I read every book I own
Now I'm the smartest man on earth
But still I'm all alone

I took a miracle cure
It made me sick
In the darkness I listened to the sound
Of my alarm clock tick

And as I wiped away
One single tear
All the walls the ceiling the furniture
Magically disappeared

And every person I've known up 'til today
Was with me in my bed in pajamas and lingerie
And I knew I should be frightened

But it was the strangest thing
Everyone joined hands
And we began to sing

I stayed up way too late last night