Autobiography

I shave myself with Barbasol every day or so
I brush these big bicuspids with Colgate Tartar Control
And under my arms, to the best of my knowledge
Is the clear spring scent of Ban White Solid
The rest of me I keep quite clean
With Dove one-quarter moisturizing cream
I live in the city of Milwaukee, up on the near East Side
Across the street are shrubbery where muggers used to hide
And further up the road is an old folks home
Right next to a park where all the old folks roam
And the Milwaukee River flows next to the park
Where the old folks go and fish for carp

So won't you come and visit me
Wouldn't that be great
We'll have some beer and a barbecue
Just don't stay too late

My TV's hooked up to cable, all night I leave it on
I get hundreds and hundreds of magazines, I read 'em on the john
I own a big van and a Toyota pick-up
When I drink Mountain Dew, sometimes I hiccup
I own eight guitars and wouldn't you know
I got my very own traveling show

So won't you ride along with me
I'll take the corners soft
Make yourself real comfortable
Hey, where can I drop you off?

Even though I like them both, I'd rather have a dog than a cat
If someone runs for president, I vote Democrat
Now, you may think that I'm a snot
But deep inside you know I'm snot
I've got a heart that's as big as heart
I love you all, so that's a start

So won't you come and visit me
Wouldn't that be fine
We'll gather around the piano
Jesus, would you look at the time
Copyright © 1995-2019 Pat McCurdy • All rights reserved